Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
