Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
