I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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