I wish I could teleport
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
