I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
