The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I am available for nakedness
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
