so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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