Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
