She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
