my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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