You made me cry and you don't even care
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
