Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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