Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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