There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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