I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
