She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
