I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
