dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
