I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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