Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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