I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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