hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
