grandma shit on top of the toilet
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
