Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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