moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
