I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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