I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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