remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
