you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
