I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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