Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
birth control should be required to get into college
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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