Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
