i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
