new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
