i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
