You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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