She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
