I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
