she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
