I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
