People with herpes should wear stickers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
