Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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