Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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