I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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