he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
