after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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