Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
