3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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