I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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