I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
