Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
