I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
