Moan for me like Helen Keller
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
