I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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