There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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