Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My liver just broke up with me...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
